Does your inner voice ever speak loudly enough to wake you in the middle of the night? My internal dialogue often does, which is why I ask. Mine answers some of my big life questions, offers elaborate solutions to complex problems, helps decision-making, and sometimes criticizes or shines a light on areas where I could use a tune-up. My internal dialogue is a friendly companion, except when perfectionistic criticism roars. Then, it becomes more of a frenemy.  

For some, the internal dialogue prattles on incessantly. It’s calmer or less noticed for others and may only grab attention when the message is loud and clear. The voice can be benevolent, critical, or a combination of both.

You’ve probably heard or read that we think around 60,000 thoughts a day, many of which are repetitive. How many thoughts we have each day matters less than getting to know them so we can optimize their impact. 

Let’s use our thoughts the way we choose and not the other way around.

Benevolent messages

Kind, loving self-talk comes in many forms, and we can invite it in. 

• Asking ourselves questions works 24/7 but is especially dynamic when we ask them before bed or meditation. Then, the subconscious mind or intuition has the space to answer. Keep a pen, paper, and booklight by your bed or meditation spot. Valuable ideas and solutions will often arrive in these quiet moments. What would you have me know? How can I optimize this opportunity? What is the best possible solution to this challenge?
• We must constantly encourage ourselves. Appreciating and approving of ourselves is a key to building self-assurance. Then, we can express ourselves more confidently. You’ve got this! You’re doing great! I love the way you did that.
• We can report outer reflections to ourselves. While internal loving kindness is more important than external, we live in the world. External approval, acceptance, and belonging matter greatly to most of us and the overall quality of our lives. The audience praised your excellent performance. Your ideas positively influenced everyone at the event. Look at how many wonderful people have befriended and value you!

The path to self-love requires quieting the inner critic so you can hear the whispers of your authentic self.

Inner criticism

Some of our repetitive internal dialogue is critical and insulting. Individuals with perfectionistic tendencies likely experience a more prominent and persistent inner critic. Perfectionism includes extreme self-imposed standards and a focus on self-criticism. The inner critic’s influence varies depending on our unique personalities, life experiences, and other factors. 

• Regret and remorse. We overthink what we did and didn’t do and beat ourselves up over it. Why did you or didn’t do XYZ? Why did you behave that way? You shouldn’t have said that. 
• Self-criticism. Putting up with endless self-bashing opinions is harmful. You wouldn’t accept listening to others who only offered you criticism. Don’t allow this from yourself. Pay close attention to this antagonistic banter. You’re too this or that. You’re not enough of this or that. How could you have made that mistake?
• Self-doubt. We slip into insecurity when we lack faith in our capabilities and actions. You can’t do that. That’s too hard. You don’t know what you’re doing. 
• Perfectionism. Here roars the fiercest self-critical beast. The internal perfectionist dishes out harsh and typically unhelpful self-reflection. You aren’t good enough. You will never be good enough. Why don’t you behave perfectly? 

Valuing our voice, even the inner critic

When we welcome every thought, we can pay close attention to what’s happening in and around us. When we see, notice, and allow everything, we are more able to let things pass through and not get stuck inside us. The greater our sense of presence, the greater our ability to tend to and shift the narrative. 

We can turn inner disapproval into opportunities for growth and self-improvement. With consciousness, we can go from: Your presentation was terrible to: I’m glad I did that because I learned a lot and know how to improve the next one. We can shift from: I shouldn’t have eaten that to: Next time, I will make a healthier choice. That wasn’t the right way to handle the situation, so I will own up to my mistakes and do better next time.

Transform the inner critic into an inner mentor who inspires growth and supports your journey to self-actualization. 

Balanced internal dialogue

The key to inner harmony is conscious self-awareness. We achieve balance when we allow our internal voice to say what needs to be said and are then willing to converse. By listening to our internal kindness, criticism, and harmonious balance, we free ourselves. Appreciate benevolence. Acknowledge and assess negative comments. There may be lessons to learn from them. Be curious about the harshest internal judgments and recognize how toxic they can be. When we’re not attentive to the inner chatter, it can erode us. 

Talk back to negativity and point to evidence of your inherent value and achievements. That’s not true. I’m valuable and bring value with everything I am and do. I’m learning, growing, and loving my life. Listening well to others and our internal dialogue is one of the finest arts we can master. We can use what serves and let go of what doesn’t. And that’s a great lesson across the expanse of our lives.